JOSEPHUS ALOYSIUS FRACTURÈD RESUMÉ*

*note: All the information in this document is guaranteed and warranted, to the best of the author's knowledge and recollection, to be as close to the truth as it is possible to be without actually being in the least bit true.

Objective of This Document:

One: To make the reader laugh until his sides ache;
Two: either that or to make him scratch his head until his hair hurts.

Work Experience (from most recent):

1999-2002

Company Name: mymooseisloose.com
Location: Just off the highway close to everything.
Position: Sitter
Responsibilities: Laugh at supervisors' jokes; otherwise keep quiet. Come to work when called; otherwise don't come. Put on jacket when too cold; otherwise take off jacket; Come back from lunch on time; otherwise if too broke to eat don't go.
Reason for Leaving: This is my dream job; I will never leave it.

1994-1999

Company Name: Quasi-Offical Unofficial Enterprises, Inc.
Location: Someplace where you never woulda thought it ever coulda been.
Position: Digger-fixer/go-getter
Responsibilities: Dig holes and fill them with concrete; wait six months and bust it out. Screw things into walls; wait a few weeks, unscrew them and patch the holes. Go get useless and obsolete materials and supplies; when the uselessness and obsolescence of said materials and supplies has become redundant and moot then get rid of them in the most inconvenient and obtrusive manner; when, at a later date, the obsolescence is once again required then go and get some more.
Reason for Leaving: Pride and fullness of bread.

1990-1994

Company Name: Corpus Municipalitus Hardknockitus (if there ever was one)
Location: Second-to-last town headed west; if you see a sign that used to say "Welcome to the Last Town" then you'll know you've gone too far.
Position: Everyone's scapegoat
Responsibilies: Swing a sledgehammer. Crawl under houses. Roll boulders. Drink coffee with lawyers and judges.
Accomplishments: Amassed a large collection of buckets with holes in them. Saved a stack of good, used lumber til it was good for mulch. Kept saving it til it was good for compost. Learned to communicate effectively in colloquialisms such as: "It's been a lot hotter here lately than it's 'a been 'a bein'."
Reason for Leaving: I died.

1980-1990

Company Name:Cooperative Association of Professional Ne'er-Do-Wells
Location: Take the highway to the bridge. If the bridge ain't washed out drive across; if it is, don't.
Position: Supervisor
Responsibilies: Supervise staff of ne'er-do-wells. I was sole proprietor and only employee.
Accomplishments: Tripled the number of hours it takes to get nothing done. Quadrupled the amount of money it takes to build things that will never be finished. Expanded the realms of impossibility to include vast, infinite vistas which had once been thought to be completely possible.
Reason for leaving: Not challenging enough

1972-1980

Company Name: Scruffy Guitars and Harmonium Repair
Location: Close to downtown, where the parking lot is now.
Position: Guitar tuner/harmonium repair man
Responsibilities: Tune guitars. Repair harmoniums.
Accomplishments: Tuned thirteen hundred and fifty-two guitars over the course of nine fruitful years. Nobody brought in any harmoniums so didn't repair any.
Reason for leaving: It was nothing but a Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Education:

Middle Tennessee School of Old Dawgs

Degree: Batch 'a Lorry Art
Major: Musical Instrument Stringing and Tuning
Minor: Brass Instrument polishing
Special Accomplishments: Never left a single soul undisappointed.

Home

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Funnies:
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New—My Fracturèd Resumé
A Fractured Poem
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